Love Dare Challenge #19

Love dare number 19 is “Love is impossible.”  Love has to have a source and it is not found in will power or connection between to people.  We have found in our journey that love is much more than a feeling, it’s a choice.  There is no love without choice!  We have to choose to love others and they have to choose to love us.  That choice is easy when your spouse is doing everything you like, but love gets tested when they don’t.  That is why love that is based on feelings will fail.  So we have to have a source of love that goes deeper than our feelings and without God that kind of love is impossible.

 

That’s why if you’re not right with God, you can’t truly love your spouse because He is the source of that love.  You can’t give what you don’t have.  You can’t call up inner reserves and resources that aren’t there to be summoned.  In the same way that you can’t give away a million dollars if you don’t have it to start with, you cannot pay out love in greater measure than you own.  You can try, but you will fail.  So the hard news is this: love that is able to withstand every pressure is out of your reach, as long as you’re only looking within yourself to find it.  You need someone who can give you that kind of love.

 

1 John 4:7 (NIV)   Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

 

Here is the bottom line:  The closer to God you are the more love you will have.  If you don’t have a relationship with God, you can, just ask.  Pray this, God I ask you to forgive me for not being willing to live my life your way and I know that is called sin.  Come into my heart & by your spirit live in me and lead me to be the person you desire me to be.

LOVE DARE CHALLENGE #18

Love Dare Challenge Number 18 is “Love seeks to understand”:  It is amazing, when we are dating we are on our best behavior, we don’t want our potential spouse to see any of our faults.  We are also tuned in to what the person we are dating really likes.  Those words “tuned in” are what make us appreciate each other so much when we are dating.  But after marriage if we are not careful, (I was not careful) we will quit tuning in to our spouse and only be set on getting them to tune in to us.  It’s like having a radio stuck on one channel and not allowing your spouse the privilege of changing it.  When you get married you signed up to change your channel from what you like to find out to what your spouse likes.

 

It is like having an old radio that you had to change by turning the dial until you got rid of all the static.  So I can tell you, Rhonda and I have to keep working real hard to keep the static out of  our relationship.  Here are a few things we have found helpful to tune into each other.

 

►      Ask questions.  We have learned to ask each other what the other like or dislikes.  It will amaze you to find out the things your spouse really doesn’t like and the little things you do that they really do like.  If you don’t ask then you don’t know and if you don’t know you can’t tune in.

 

►      Listen.  That means I have to stop telling Rhonda what I think long enough to listen to what she thinks.  That’s a nice way of saying shutup and listen, in that order.

 

►      Ask God for wisdom.  Let God be the filter between your thoughts and what you say or do.  Ask God how will what you are about to say or do effect your spouse.  It’s always better to have the conversation with God before you have it with your spouse.  I have found out that God is totally tuned in to Rhonda’s needs, he knows what will offend and will bless her and believe it or not after 21 years I still have to ask for his help.  How about you?

 

**Words in italics from the book “The Love Dare Challenge” by Stephen & Alex Kendrick

LOVE DARE CHALLENGE #17

Love Dare number 17 is “Love promotes intimacy”

 

I have found that intimacy is something that only happens overtime.  It is revealing yourself to a person, warts and all.  Getting to a high level of intimacy comes in many different ways.  I think it comes through those times of wanting to look deep into your spouse’s eyes and telling them I love you.  It also comes through times of warring.  I mean when you have been fighting over whatever and you work through it instead of running out or throwing in the towel you build intimacy. Your relationship takes big steps forward after you have been through the fire of difficulty. 

 

The greatest enemy of intimacy is fear and distrust.  You can never have an intimate relationship with your spouse if you don’t trust them.  Building trust takes time.  I’m not really talking about the big things like trusting them when they are around the opposite sex or with money.  I mean trusting them with your feelings or the things about you that only they know. 

 

In 1 John 4: 18 it says perfect love cast out all fear.  I believe getting rid of fear is the greatest step toward intimacy.  When you are not afraid of your spouse in any way then when you talk to them you are not afraid they are going to make you feel stupid for saying something.  If you don’t do just what they think you should, you don’t fear retaliation in the bed room.  So, eliminating fear is the step you can take to build intimacy in your marriage. So ask yourself, “Is there anything that makes me fearful about my spouse?” if so talk about it.

 

**SCC family: please bring  diapers this Sunday, March 1st for “Helping In His Name Food Pantry” project.  Thank you!

LOVE DARE CHALLENGE #16

Love Dare number 16 is “Love Intercedes”   You cannot change your spouse… (Amen, Amen and Amen)  As much as you may want to, you cannot play God and reach into their heart and mold them into what you want them to be.  But that’s what most couples spend a large part of their time trying to do… changing their spouse.  Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  But isn’t that what happens when you try to change your mate?  It’s frustration at the highest level.

 

I tried to change Rhonda for years and the results were, I pushed her away and I was very frustrated.  I had to learn that I could not change her, I could only change me and ask God to change her. 

 

You cannot restore your marriage alone.  You will need something that is more powerful than anything else you have and that is effective prayer.  Prayer really does work.  It’s a spiritual phenomenon created by an unlimited, powerful God.  God saved my marriage because when I prayed God revealed more about me and I was able to see little things that I had been praying for begin to happen.  Have you ever wondered why God gives you overwhelming insight into your spouse’s hidden faults?  Do you really think it’s for endless nagging? No, it is for effective kneeling.  No one knows better how to pray for your mate than you.  One of the most loving things you can ever do for your spouse is to pray for them.  SO PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!

 

Matthew 7:7 (NIV)   ”Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

 

Philip. 4:6-7 (Living)   ”Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.”

 

**Words in italics from the Love Dare book pages 76-77

Love Dare Challenge #15

Love dare number 15 is, “Love is honorable.”   To honor someone means to give them respect and high esteem, to treat them as being special and of great worth.  When you speak to them, you keep your language clean and understandable.  You are courteous and polite.  When they speak to you, you take them seriously.

 

Honor is a noble word; this is especially true in marriage.  Honoring your mate means giving him or her your full attention, not talking to them from behind a newspaper or with one eye on the television.  (This really bothers me when I am trying to talk to Rhonda and she will not stop what she is doing and just listen.  She says she is very talented in the fact that she can fold laundry and listen at the same time.) 

 

There’s another word that takes honor to a deeper level and that is holy.  Holiness means set apart for a higher purpose, no longer common or everyday but special and unique.  A person who has become holy to you has a place in your heart.  He or she is sacred to you, a person to be honored, praised, and defended.  (I feel honored when Rhonda praises me and I know she feels honored when I help her and defend her.)

 

When two people marry, each spouse becomes “holy” to each other by way of “holy matrimony.”  Your relationship is like no other.  You share physical intimacy with only her, only him.  You establish a home with this person.  You bear your children with this person.  Your heart, your possessions, your life itself is to be wrapped up in the uncommon bond you share with this one individual. 

 

When you realize that you and your spouse are holy, set apart for one another, you quit trying to replace your relationship with other relationships or things and you start to ask God to repair your holy marriage. 

 

1 Peter 3:7 (CEV)   If you are a husband, you should be thoughtful of your wife. Treat her with honor, because she isn’t as strong as you are, and she shares with you in the gift of life. Then nothing will stand in the way of your prayers.

 

Words in italics from the Love Dare Book, pp 71-72

Micky Mouse & Me

I have been on vacation down with Mickey Mouse in Orlando, Florida.  I didn’t have an internet connection at my camper which was surprising to me.  So, that’s why I didn’t have any posts last week.

 

I will be back on track with the Love Dare Challenge tomorrow.  But, I would like to tell you about what I learned on this vacation.   I learned to not  try and make special moments happen.  Let them come on their own.  I don’t know about you, but I always want special moments to happen with my kids.  So I, in my mind, start planning how I will do this or that and if I do everything just right everyone will have the best time and they will come up to me and say, “Dad thank you for being such a loving father or husband.”

 

I have tried that for years only to have come home disappointed or even mad.  Thinking things like, I have spent all this energy, time, and money to help everyone have a great time and not one of them appreciated what I did.  Ever been there? 

 

Well, this vacation I just flowed with what everyone else wanted to do and when they wanted to do it.  I didn’t even tell anyone all week, “we have to go” or “we are going to be late.”  I rode rides I didn’t like to ride over and over, after of course taking nausea meds, and praying to God I would not get sick.  I have realized I can’t create those special moments.  All I can do is try to create an environment for the special moments to happen.  This was one of the best vacations ever because I just chilled out.  I think this is what it takes to make a great marriage or home.  You can’t control the special moments, but you can control the environment.  Is your home environmentally friendly?   

 

Proverbs 15:31 (NLT)   If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise.

 

Love Dare Challenge #14

Love dare number 14 is,  “Love takes delight.”

 

In your marriage relationship, you won’t always feel like loving.  It is unrealistic for your heart to constantly be thrilled at the thought of spending every moment with your spouse.  Nobody can maintain a burning desire for togetherness just on feeling alone. 

 

Delight comes from the decision to delight in your spouse and to love him or her no matter how long you’ve been married.  In other words, love that chooses to love is just as more powerful than love that feels like loving.  To delight in your spouse is to enjoy them again.  Take her hand and seek her companionship.  Desire his conversation.  Remember why you fell in love with her personality.  Accept this person, quirks and all, and welcome him or her back into your heart.

 

I think the greatest thing that helps me delight in Rhonda is laughing with her, flirting with her, and dreaming with her.  That’s why we have a planned date night.  I have learned it’s hard for a relationship to grow cold when you keep the embers of excitement stirred.  So go on and act 20 years old again and date and have fun and watch what will happen to your relationship.  It will be one you are glad you’re in, instead of one you want out of.

 

Live happily with the woman you love through the fleeting days of life, for the wife God gives you is your best reward down here for all your earthly toil. Eccles. 9:9 (Living)

 

words in italics from the Love Dare Book p. 67

Love Dare Challenge # 13

Love dare  number 13 is, “Love fights fair.”

 

Mark 3:25 (NIV)   If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.

 

The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you’ll ever do to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict.  That’s because this is when your pride is strongest.  Your anger is hottest.  You’re the most selfish and judgmental.  Your words contain the most venom.  You make the worst decisions.  I have been there and you have been there.  So, let’s talk about some rules because we will be there again in the future.  The fact of the matter is it can be just a harmful to your marriage to hold things in as it can be to have a big argument. 

 

Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate, and enjoy a much deeper connection afterwards.

 

So, fight fair by setting up some rules.

 

Here are some of the “Jeff and Rhonda unspoken rules”

 

1.  We will never mention divorce.

2.  We will never fight in public or in front of our children

3.  We will never touch one another in a harmful way.

4.  Failure is not an option.  Whatever it takes, we will work this
     out.

 

Personal rules that are recommended in the love dare book:

 

1.  I will listen first before speaking.  (I have to work on this one
     big time)
    James 1:19 (NIV)   Everyone should be quick to listen, slow  
    to speak and slow to become angry,

 

2.  I will deal with my own issues up-front.
     Matthew 7:3 (NIV)   ”Why do you look at the speck of
     sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the 
     plank in your own eye?

 

3.  I will speak gently and keep my voice down.
     Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)   A gentle answer turns away wrath,  
     but a harsh word stirs up anger.

 

 words in italics from the Love Dare Book p. 62

Love Dare Challenge #12

 

Love dare number 12: “Love lets the other win.”  This is one that took me a long time to learn and I have to be honest, I have to still fight the urge to want to have the better idea.  I am a very competitive person and I don’t like loosing at anything.  I somehow have this way of thinking that loosing makes me look weak.  I have learned that is not true at all, especially when it comes to my marriage and family.  I think I felt in control when I would keep the argument going until I wore Rhonda down to wave the white flag.  But, little did I know how STUPID it was. 

 

I have learned that the more I listen, the more I understand other people’s perspectives.  You know what it is amazing is that we may have to think differently about the route we should take to get a desired result, but in the end we will get there.  If you are type A personality like me you think solution, not how to listen.

 

So, here is a lesson from the Jesus:

 

Philippians. 2:5 (NIV)   Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

His attitude was that he was willing to do what God wanted even though it meant he would have to go to the cross.

 

Here is what it means to be willing…… you bend a little.  Willingness is an attitude and spirit of cooperation that should permeate our conversations.  It’s like a palm tree by the ocean that endures the greatest winds because it knows how to gracefully bend.

 

It means laying down for the good of others what you have the right to claim for yourself.

 

James 3:17 (Living)   But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure and full of quiet gentleness. Then it is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others; it is full of mercy and good deeds. It is wholehearted and straightforward and sincere.

 

 

 

Love Dare Challenge # 11

Love dare number 11 “Love Cherishes.”

 

Our culture says treat your spouse like a car, if you can’t fix it quickly, get rid of it and find another one.  God says the opposite. His word says love cherishes your spouse like you would cherish your own body.  You would never cut off your hand if it was injured, but would pay whatever you could afford for the best medical treatment possible.  That’s because your hand is priceless to you;  it is part of who you are.

 

The lives of a husband and wife are interwoven together.  Your spouse cannot experience joy or pain, blessing or cursing, without it also affecting you.  So when you attack your mate, it is like attacking your own body because you will feel the pain in some way. (That’s the truth)

 

It’s time to let love change your thinking.  It’s time for you to realize that your spouse is as much a part of you as your hand, your eye, or your heart.  She, too, needs to be loved and cherished.  And if she has issues causing pain or frustration, you should care for these with the same love and tenderness (That tenderness is what I have to work on) as you would your own bodily injury.

 

If he is wounded in some way, you should think of yourself as an instrument that helps bring healing to his life.  (How do you know when he is hurting? He is ill or sore.  It is like a splinter under the skin, you may not be able to see it on the surface, but it hurts)

 

Whey you look at your mate, you’re looking at part of you.  So treat her well.  Speak highly of him.  Nourish and cherish the love of your life.

 

Ephesians. 5:28-29 (NIV)   In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church–