Love Dare Challenge #35

Love dare number 35 “Love is Accountable”

 

This is a very important tool to help you when the storms come into your marriage.  There is no such thing as a marriage that is storm free.  Most of the time, they pop up when you least expect it.  One of you say something that the other one doesn’t like and then you start defending yourself and try to point the blame back on the other person.  Does that sound familiar?  So, here is something that will help in those times when the storm has rolled in your marriage. 

 

Interlock your life in a network of other strong marriages.  This will radically increase your chance of surviving the fiercest of storms.  It is crucial that a husband and a wife pursue godly advice, healthy friendships, and experienced mentors.  Everyone needs wise godly counsel throughout life.  Wise people constantly seek it and gladly receive it.  Fools never ask for it and then ignore it when it’s given to them.  Some people make the mistake of only asking advise about marriage from a friend or coworker who are not godly and have been married four or five times.  Bad idea!!!!!!

 

We all have storms and it is not a matter of if one will come in your marriage.  It is a matter of when.  These are growing times in your marriage. 

 

The sequoia trees tower hundreds of feet in the air and can withstand intense environmental pressures.  Lightning can strike them, fierce winds can blow, and forest fires can rage around them.  But the sequoia endures, standing firm, only growing stronger through the trials.

 

One of the secrets to the strength of this giant tree is what goes on below the surface.  Unlike many trees, they reach out and interlock their roots with the sequoias around them.  Each becomes empowered and reinforced by the strength of the others. 

 

Don’t go it alone!  That is why I say small groups are so important.  So you don’t have to go it alone.

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #34

 

Love dare number 34 “Love Celebrates Godliness”

 

I think we celebrate many things that our spouse achieves or accomplishes.  Like when they get the promotion at work or receive public recognition for voluntary service at church or in the community.  Sometimes we miss celebrating what is most important and that is the effort they make to grow in godliness.   Ladies, when your husband leads your family in spiritual things you should make a BIG deal out of it.  Men, when you see your wife reading bible stories to your children at night, you should celebrate that.  When it comes to our spouse’s spiritual life we think it is a private matter between them and God and we shouldn’t say anything about.  That is not true because our relationship with God is personal, but it is not private. 

 

Let me encourage you to share what you are learning from God.  When you read the bible and something speaks to your heart, share it with your spouse.  When you hear something from a sermon that speaks to you, share it.  When you get to the point of comfortably sharing godly things with your spouse, the intimacy in your relationship is turned up tremendously.  If your spouse is not into God, then compliment the things that they do to show you they respect your commitment to God. 

 

When you catch your spouse doing something godly, compliment them.

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #33

 

Love dare number 33 “Love completes each other”

 

When God created male and female he made us in a way that we would be dependent on each other.  Hollywood promotes the only reason you need someone of the opposite sex is for sex.  There nothing farther from the truth.  When God said in Genesis 2:18 (NIV)    ”It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him,” he meant that He would make man a helper that is suitable for him.  As husband and wife, we are better together.  It is our oneness that produces children, and it takes team work to raise them.  Where one spouse is weak, the other is strong.  When one needs building up, the other is equipped to enhance and encourage.  We multiply one another’s joys and divide one another’s sorrows.

 

I can tell you that understanding this aspect of marriage is when you really start to thrive as a couple.  When you get it, that your spouse is different from you for a reason and it is not to make your life miserable, it is to complete you.  I have said this before and I will say it again.  Stop trying to change your spouse!  If they were like you they could not complete you. 

 

Here is the secret to move from competing to completing as a couple.  Develop the habit of asking your spouse this question in every situation possible.  “What do you think about ________?”   Love realizes that God has put you together on purpose.  And though your may wind up disagreeing with your spouse’s perspective, you should still give their views respect and strong consideration.  This honors God’s design for your relationship and guards the oneness He intends.

 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV)   Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up.  But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #32

Love dare number 32 “Love meets sexual needs”

 

Today I will be sharing with you right out of the love dare book.  I think what the author has to say about this matter is very good.  I will only share an excerpt, so I encourage you to buy the book and read the entire love dare for yourself.

 

Some people think the Bible has nothing good to say about sex, as though all God seems concerned about is telling us when not to do it and who not to do it with.  In reality, however, the Bible has a great deal to say about sex and the blessing it can be for both husband and wife.  Even its boundaries and restrictions are Gods ways of keeping our sexual experiences at a level far beyond any of those advertised on television or in the movies.

 

It’s true that sex is only on e aspect of marriage.  But as time goes by, one of you will likely value its importance more highly than the other.  As a result of this, the nature of your oneness as man and wife will feel threatened and endangered.  Sex is not to be used as a bargaining chip.  It is not something God allows us to withhold without consequence.  Though there can certainly be abuses to this divinely designed framework, the heart of marriage is on of giving ourselves to each other to meet the others needs.

 

You are the one person called and designated by God to meet your spouse’s sexual needs.  If you allow distance to grow between you in this area, if you allow staleness to set in, you are taking something that rightly (and exclusively) belongs to your spouse.  If your let your mate know by words, actions, or inactions that sex needn’t be any more than you want it to be, you rob from them as sense of honor and endearment that has been set in place by biblical mandate.  You violate the “one flesh” unity of marriage.

 

If I could tell every couple one thing in this area it would be to talk about sex with your spouse.  If you don’t resentment will build up and destroy intimacy.  Don’t argue about it, talk about it and that means you listen to what your spouse has to say about your sex life.  If after trying to talk to your spouse about your sex life and you feel you are not getting anywhere, go as a couple and talk to a counselor.  One hour of what you think will be embarrassment is worth a life time of peace and unity in your home.  You may only need to make one visit or two.  You may need someone just to help you see what the real problem is and it usually is never sex.

 

1 Cor. 7:4-5 (NIV)   The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #31

Love dare number 31 “Love and Marriage” 

 

Genesis 2:24 (NIV)   For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

 

This love dare is one that is over looked in many relationships.  Leaving father and mother means more than just moving out of their home.  It means breaking the natural tendency to ask them for advice before you consult with your spouse.  This is a big problem in our society.  Ladies, remember your husband’s number one need from you is praise and he does not want to have to compete with anyone when it comes to your praise, not even your father or mother.  If you are always talking to mom or dad it will destroy your relationship.  Men, remember she does not want to compete with your mom when it comes to conversation or affection.  I remember in the early years of my marriage of feeling like I could not measure up to being the man that Rhonda’s dad was.  He was a very nice guy by nature and very nurturing.  So when I realized I could never be him, I resented Rhonda wanting to be around her parents.  That all changed when Rhonda begin to praise me as the person she loves and respects.  I never want to try to take her dad’s place I just wanted to be first place in her life.  Now, many years have passed and I now know my place and am very secure in her love.

 

If you are reading this and you spend a lot of time on the phone with your parents, or you are at their house a lot,  you may be driving a wedge unintentionally between you and your spouse. 

 

Ladies, let him know he is number one by praise!

Men, let her know she is number one by talking with her and spending time with her!

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #30

Love dare number 30 “Love brings unity”

 

God is love and He shows us unity through the trinity.  The Father, Son and Holy Spirit, they are three but yet one in purpose and power.  This is the greatest example of unity.  Marriage is designed to be a symbol of unity.

 

Genesis 2:24 (NIV)   For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

 

The only way that a marriage is productive is when the two individuals work to become one flesh.  When a husband and wife embrace that they are to be one in purpose and one in power in the relationship, it produces unity and love grows in unity.  God shows us that when he created how we reproduce.  In order for us to have children, we have to come together in unity, in a moment of love expressed sexually. The two become one and in the moment of the greatest expression of unity, love is reproduced in the form of a child.

 

The Bible says in Epheshians 4:3 (NIV)   Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

 

Peace comes when both husband and wife deny their selfish desires and look to the needs of their spouse and ask, “How can I meet them?”  I know for Rhonda and I, it takes constant communication.  It also takes having fun together.  I love to make her laugh.  When we are having fun together, unity is flowing and love is growing.  Let me say, these fun times don’t just happen, we have to plan them. 

 

Men, when you take to time to plan a fun time, which we used to call “dates” with your wife.  This will do amazing things for your sex life.  So, let that motivate you to plan fun times together at least once a week.  Remember, this fun time outside the house means fun times inside the house.  Unity!

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #29

Love dare number 29 “Love’s motivation”

 

What is it that motivates you to love your spouse?  I can tell you if it is how they make you feel when they do certain things, your motivation will be lost very quickly.  You will start saying things like, “when they start doing this or that to show love, then I will start do this or that to show love.”  There is a word for that kind of shallow love.  It is called “TRADING.”  That will kill our relationships because one person in the relationship will always have of a list of what they have done to earn affection the way they want it. 

 

So, love’s motivation cannot be trading, it has to be God.  I am responsible to God as to how I treat my wife and give her love, even when I have felt she didn’t deserve it.  If you have not gotten there in your relationship you will.  At that point, I have had to learn to love through God.  In other words, he became my motivation to love Rhonda when I don’t feel it or I felt she was not making the effort to express love to me as I was to her.  I am sure she has felt the same way about me many times.  I am the pain in the butt in our relationship.  Love’s motivation has to be God.  The Bible says whatever you do, this includes how you treat your spouse, do it as you are doing it for the Lord.

 

Col. 3:23-24 (NIV)   Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #28

Love dare number 28 “Love makes sacrifices”

 

I find in order for love to keep growing in my marriage I have to continually make an effort to be tuned in to Rhonda’s needs.  She is a very low maintenance person, I am very high maintenance.  She never comes right out and says today I need you to do so and so or this is what I need from you.  So, I have to quit thinking of what I need and start asking, “Is everything alright?” or “Can I help you in any way?”  When we quit thinking of what our spouse should be doing for us and ask what can I do for them, it solves a lot of problems.  I have said this before and will say it again, it took me 12 years to learn this marriage principle (If you are struggling stop for one day and ask yourself, “Is my spouse stressed about work, or a parent, or our marriage?”)  If the problem is not obvious to you, then ask how things are going with them from the perspective of concern, not out of sarcasm.

 

Here are some tips from the love dare book on how to pay attention to your spouses needs by asking yourself these questions.

 

            Is he “hungry” – needing you sexually, even when you  
            don’t feel like it?

           

            Is she “thirsty” – craving the time and attention you 
            seem able to give everyone else?                

                                     

            Does he feel like a “stranger: – insecure in his work,
            needing home to a refuge and sanctuary?

 

 Is she “naked” – frightened or ashamed, desperate for the warm covering of your loving affirmation?

 

 Is he feeling “sick” – physically tired and needing you to help guard him from interruptions?

 

 Does she feel in “prison” – fearful and depressed,   needing some safety and intervention?

 

Love is willing to make sacrifices to see that the needs of your spouse are, given your very best effort and focus.  When your mate is overwhelmed and under the gun, love calls you to set aside what seems so essential in your own life to help, even if it’s merely the gift of a listening ear.

 

1 Cor. 13:5 (NIV)   It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

 

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #27

Love dare number 27 “Love Encourages”

 

The one thing that I think all of us are guilty of in marriage is having unrealistic expectations.  We sometimes think the person we are marrying will make us happy and fulfill our hopes.  There is no one who can complete you except God.  High expectations are the enemy of relationships.  I have made this mistake not only with my wife but also with my children.  When we set the relationship bar so high with expectations, it makes your spouse, child or friend feel that they can never please you.  This is without a doubt one of the most frustrating places to be, no matter which side of the relationship you are on. 

 

So, here is the solution.  You must replace expectations with encouragement.  I had to learn this lesson the hard way.  If you are naturally an achiever, it is very easy to put the same demands on those around you that you put on yourself. And when you do, you become a nag.  One of the first things I had to do was to give myself a break.  I have found when I lighten up on myself, I automatically lighten up on others.  The second and most powerful thing I have learned to do is to encourage others in the things they are good at.  You have to be careful when you start doing this because they will read your encouragement as another way to put pressure on them.  So make sure your encouragement is pure and not manipulative.  This change from being a person who set high expectations for others, to just being their greatest encourager, takes a decision to do so every day.  I encourage you to make that decision today.

 

1 Thes. 5:11 (NIV)   Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

 

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #26

Love dare number 26 “Love is Responsible.”

 

Today is about personal responsibility.  It is being responsible for your own actions and admitting that you have faults.  We are so quick to justify our motives.  We are so quick to deflect criticism.  So quick to find fault-especially with our spouse, who is always the easiest one to blame.

 

I remember this being so true in the first ten years of my marriage.  I would blame everything that didn’t go right on my wife, Rhonda.  Maybe I would not come right out and say, “This is your fault,” but my attitude and actions said it.  Boy I can remember really thinking our marriage would be so much better if she would….  Our marriage only began to grow when I realized it was me that needed to change.  It was amazing how I would look to the faults of Rhonda, to justify my own. 

 

This is what I have learned.  To be responsible, I must look to the needs of Rhonda and ask how can I help meet her needs?  I was always looking for her to meet mine.  I have found there are a few phrases that I have to use around my house to show responsibility.  One is the phrase, “I am sorry, I was wrong.”  That’s the difference now in my growing marriage than in my failing marriage and I would never admit I was wrong and that was being irresponsible.  The other phrase that has helped me become a more responsible husband is, “How can I help you?”  I ask this question often, when she is fixing dinner, or cleaning house or doing something for the kids. 

 

I have found that my wife feels loved by me when I want to be around her and when I show interest in the things she is interested in.  I want Rhonda to feel loved by me and I never want her to feel like she is failing as a wife or mother.  That’s being responsible and not childish when I am more concerned about making my spouse feel like a winner, than I am making me feel like one.

 

Matthew 7:12 (NIV)   So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.