choice 6 – repairing relationships

Guest Blogger:   Michelle Chastain on “Life’s Healing Choices“

This week’s choice leaves me the following thought:  Repairing relationships – yuck!  Can’t I just leave all of this repair business to Jesus and let Him handle the parts of my life I’d rather not deal with?  The answer is a resounding, “No”.  Jesus showed His mercy to me when I didn’t deserve it and, as an expression of my gratitude for Him and what He has done in my life; I am to show His mercy to others. 

This means I’ll have to let go of the resentment and anger that I have harbored for a long time and have come to recognize as my traveling companions in life.  What will I do if I let go of the bitterness in me.  Who will I be?  How will I act?  This behavior is me is deep seated . . .

I am reminded of the words of the apostle Paul in his letter to the Philippian church: 
“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him.  Do everything without complaining and arguing so that no one can criticize you.  Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people.”  (Philippians 2:13-15)

Wow.  God tells me in His word that He is working in me and giving me power!  I don’t have to repair anything in my own strength; He is with me.  And He offers me instruction on how to allow Him to work in me:  without complaining and arguing while I live a clean and innocent life.  He even goes so far as to tell me why:  so that no one can criticize me (for His sake) and He tells me who I will be as I do these things:  a bright light in a perverse world. 

As I begin to go about repairing relationships I praise God that I can walk in His strength and His might.  He will take my human attempts and with His divine power, make them glorious, as He is glorious.  I am already anticipating the healing that is headed my way!

i saw love yesterday

Yesterday evening I had the privilege to ride to the hospital with Robert Frisone and make a visit to see one of the men that I have admired for 14 years, Harold Adams.  I always enjoy being with Robert.  God bless him because he always drops what he is doing when I call at the last minute to help me or accompany me. 

We visited Harold Adams, a man who I owe so much to.  He was one of the people who kept this church going in it’s earliest years.  His Son helped the church buy the house that would be converted to a church over 35 years ago.  I remember the day I came and interviewed with the church to see if they would like me to be their pastor.  Several men were in the room that day and I never will forget what Harold said to me.  He said, “Our calling is about two things, loving people and seeing souls saved!”

If you had the privilege to have this great, humble man shake your hand or pray for you, you can just feel the love.  I guess that is what I have admired about him over the last 14 years and that is the love this man has expressed to every person who has come in his path.

Last evening he told me his problem was that his heart was racing and I said, “Well that is because your wife, Carolyn walked in the room.”  To which he replied, “My heart races for her all the time, I miss her when she is not in the room with me.”  This is from a man who is 82 years young.  He was at the VA hospital because he wanted to save money incase she needed medicine they would have it.  It was love, just love.

Harold Adams reminds me with his life that love is more than a word or feeling, it is a action expressed to someone else.  His favorite book of the Bible is I John.  He calls it “Little John.”

1 John 4:11-12 (NIV)   Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

I like this little poem I read some time ago about love and it says this:

“A bell is not a bell until you ring it; and a song is not a song until you sing it;
and love is not love until you give it away.”

Man’s greatest ally

I finished my notes for Sunday’s message and the title is, “Man’s Greatest Ally.”  I have come to the conclusion that outside of God’s spirit living in us, our greatest ally is the people closest to us.  It is the people that are closest to us that shape who we are.  The Bible is very clear about this.

1 Cor. 15:33 (NIV)   Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”

We are to have friends that are sinners because you don’t win them to Christ by being their enemies.  But, I would give this warning; choose your closest friends wisely because you will be influenced by them.  You need a good friend that you can share the real you with. By real you I mean your struggles and your victories. 

When people come in to see me most of the time, they just need to get something off their chest.  They just need to tell someone what is going on inside them.  I think how sad that this person had to carry the load so long because they didn’t have a close friend to share with.

It all goes back to what the Bible says in James. This verse just keeps coming alive to me as I have learned it’s power and benefited from it’s wisdom.

James 5:16 (NIV)   Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Most of us just need someone to talk to on a deeper level and when we do we find that kind of relationship brings healing to our hearts and minds.  I can tell you this last year I have been building a relationship with a man that I respect and can tell you it takes a while to get to the point of total transparency.

This is what church is all about. Building relationships and serving together. A good place for you to find a close friend is in a church small group.  If you will commit to going and not stop, you will find someone who you can build a close relationship with and enjoy a Godly Ally.

Love Dare Challenge #40

Love dare number 40 “Love is a covenant.”

 

Entering into a covenant with your spouse is different from a contract.  In the Love Dare book the author does a great job explaining the difference.  Here what he says, “There are many differences between covenants and contracts.  A contract is usually a written agreement based on distrust, outlining the conditions and consequences if broken.  A covenant is a verbal commitment based on trust, assuring someone that your promise is unconditional and good for life.  It is spoken before God out of love for another.  A contract is self-serving and comes with limited liability.  It establishes a time frame for certain deliverables to be met and accomplished.  A covenant is for the benefit of others and comes with unlimited responsibility.  It has no expiration date.  It is till death do us part.  A contract can be broken with mutual consent.  A covenant is intended to be unbreakable.”

 

Our world has a distorted view of marriage agreements.  We have somehow embraced the contract attitude and when you do that it is all based on keeping rules and score.  A covenant attitude, which is God’s way and original design, is based on trust and acceptance.  A covenant says I love you warts and all and I trust that you will never intentionally hurt me and because I believe that about you I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  That attitude brings peace to every marriage.  Will you commit to living in covenant with your spouse the rest of your life?

 

This what Easter is all about, God making a covenant with us warts and all.   Maybe you are trying to treat your relationship with God like it is a contract by saying things like, “I will serve you God the rest of my life if you help my financial problem or whatever.”  That is a contract attitude of distrust and rules and keeping score.  God only enters into covenant relationships of a verbal commitment and that are based on love.

 

If you have not entered that kind of relationship, I invite you to do so today?  Here’s how you do it.

 

Romans 10:9-10 (Living)   For if you tell others with your own mouth that Jesus Christ is your Lord and believe in your own heart that God has raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in his heart that a man becomes right with God; and with his mouth he tells others of his faith, confirming his salvation.

 

Love Dare Challenge #39

Love dare number 39 “Love Endures.”

 

This means love does not give up.  You never stop loving your spouse even when they say they don’t love you.  This goes back to love is not a feeling.  When someone tells you that after you have opened up your heart to them, it hurts.  If we are not careful to base our love on commitment and not feelings this can be a fatal blow.  I don’t know about you, but I have said things that I wish I had not said in times of arguing.  That is why it is important to have an agreement before you argue that some words are off limits. 

 

What do you do when your spouse is not responding to you or even somewhat removed from you emotionally?  Well, the first thing you do is try to get them to talk to you about what is going on and if that doesn’t work, you try to get them to go with you to talk to a pastor or counselor.  If that doesn’t work you stop trying to get them to do anything and you start spending all your effort in prayer.  I am not kidding, pray.  Pray for your marriage every time you think about it.  Get you a note book and get by yourself once or twice a day and write out your prayer and read it out loud from you heart.  Only God can do what you can’t.  Most people give up when they get to the end of themselves and never really turn their marriage over to God.  So, when they can’t fix it or make it better, they start shutting down and prepare themselves for divorce. 

 

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:8 (NIV)   Love never fails.  That is true because God is love and real love only happens when God is depended on to make it happen.  We must remember that love is always a choice and we can’t make our spouse make the choice that we want them to.  We have to make the choice in that moment to quit trying and start trusting God.  That is where real, enduring love is found.

 

Love Dare Challenge #38

Love dare number 38 “Love Fulfills Dreams.”

 

We see this kind of love expressed in God when he said this in Psalm 37:4 (NIV) Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 

Here is the question that has to be answered before you can try to fulfill any of your spouse’s dreams, “what are their dreams?”  Their dreams for marriage and life can only be exposed through communication and being willing to listen.  I don’t know how you have asked that question in the past to your spouse, but I used to ask it at the wrong times.  When Rhonda and I were in an argument I would ask “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!”  Of course the answer at that time would always be, “I don’t know.”  That described our married life for about eleven years.  I knew I was not living up to what she wanted from me, but I didn’t know what to do to give her what she wanted or needed.   When you are a person who measures everything by winning or losing, it creates anger because you feel you are always losing.  So, I would stay angry and she would live in fear that I was going to be angry.

 

But, all that changed when we started having calm talks about our expectations of marriage and what we needed from each other.  If you have the courage to have that kind of talk with your spouse, you will be surprised at what they need.  I had to learn how Rhonda received love.  Most couples think that their spouse receives love the way they do and if they don’t, something is very wrong with them.  But, that is simply not true!  There is a great book to help you with this matter it is called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.  Get it and read it together.  It will help you in fulfilling your spouse’s dreams.  Go to www.fivelovelanguages.com to find out your love language in 30 seconds!

 

Here are some other things you can do because you love your spouse and will help you fulfill their dreams.

 

•        Listen to what your mate is saying and hoping for.
•        Remember the things that are unique to your relationship, the pleasures and enjoyments that bring a smile to the other’s face.
•        Give when it would be a lot more convenient to wait.
•        Daydream about these opportunities so regularly that their desires become yours as well.
•        Think in terms of overwhelming your spouse with love.
•        Surprise them by exceeding all their expectations with your kindness

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #37

 Love dare number 37 “Love agrees in prayer”

This love dare is simple but challenging.  It is praying together.  The Bible tell us that when we come together in prayer in the name of Jesus that the impossible becomes possible through God. 

Matthew 18:19 (NIV)   “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.

We must realize that when God gave you a husband or wife he gave you a prayer partner as well.  I know that when I am under a lot of pressure there is no one that I would rather have pray with me than my wife, Rhonda.  There is something about her deep concern and love that is felt in the deepest way when I hear her pray.  Many times we have come together to pray over family crisis and we have found strength and comfort in the prayers of each other.

I can tell you that if you want to connect at the deepest level as a couple learn to connect on the spiritual level.  Don’t be afraid to talk to your spouse about God.  Believe me most people are very interested in God these days. 

I will admit to you that Rhonda and I don’t have a set time that we pray together as a couple, but we do use our family meal time as a time of prayer with our family.  The Bible promise that when we keep our mind on God we will stay in a state of peace.  Prayer is the best way to keep your mind on God.  If that is true, and I believe that it is, and if we want to keep our marriage in a state of peace, we should keep it focused on God by learning to pray together.

This is something that I will try to make more of an effort with Rhonda instead of waiting on a crisis before we pray together as a couple.  I am going to ask her to pray with me before we go to bed at night or before I go to work in the mornings.  How about you?  I dare you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #36

Love dare number 36 “Love is God’s word”

 

The Bible says in Psalm 119:105 (NIV)   Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

 

I can’t tell you how true that is.  Every person is looking for what is true.  We hear a lot about finding true love.  When someone has done something wrong, we just want them to tell us the truth.  We want our employers to tell us the true.  We want our spouse to be truthful.  Let’s not forget about how we want our children tell us the truth.

 

Our human spirit desires truth, but our human nature runs from it.  All of us have ran from the truth from time to time and all of us have told a lie.  Why? Because sometimes we think the truth is going to harm us in some way.  That of course is not true.

 

The only way to know how to live the best life possible is to find the truth out about life and Jesus made how we do that very clear. 

 

John 8:31-32 (KJV)   Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and every relationship you have is to read God’s Word because it is truth.  God’s Word is not just a book of wise sayings, it is alive.  It is the Spirit of God put into words.  You can’t see God, but we see the spirit of God by reading his word.

 

That same spirit that lives in you, if you are a follower of Christ, is the same spirit that inspired the Bible.  It will guide you in every situation.  It heals your heart and soul.  Let me encourage you to make the commitment to start reading daily, before you go to bed or when you first get up in the morning.   Make a commitment to read the New Testament this year.  Remember, you will be guided by something, why not let it be the truth?

 

Love Dare Challenge #35

Love dare number 35 “Love is Accountable”

 

This is a very important tool to help you when the storms come into your marriage.  There is no such thing as a marriage that is storm free.  Most of the time, they pop up when you least expect it.  One of you say something that the other one doesn’t like and then you start defending yourself and try to point the blame back on the other person.  Does that sound familiar?  So, here is something that will help in those times when the storm has rolled in your marriage. 

 

Interlock your life in a network of other strong marriages.  This will radically increase your chance of surviving the fiercest of storms.  It is crucial that a husband and a wife pursue godly advice, healthy friendships, and experienced mentors.  Everyone needs wise godly counsel throughout life.  Wise people constantly seek it and gladly receive it.  Fools never ask for it and then ignore it when it’s given to them.  Some people make the mistake of only asking advise about marriage from a friend or coworker who are not godly and have been married four or five times.  Bad idea!!!!!!

 

We all have storms and it is not a matter of if one will come in your marriage.  It is a matter of when.  These are growing times in your marriage. 

 

The sequoia trees tower hundreds of feet in the air and can withstand intense environmental pressures.  Lightning can strike them, fierce winds can blow, and forest fires can rage around them.  But the sequoia endures, standing firm, only growing stronger through the trials.

 

One of the secrets to the strength of this giant tree is what goes on below the surface.  Unlike many trees, they reach out and interlock their roots with the sequoias around them.  Each becomes empowered and reinforced by the strength of the others. 

 

Don’t go it alone!  That is why I say small groups are so important.  So you don’t have to go it alone.

 

 

Love Dare Challenge #34

 

Love dare number 34 “Love Celebrates Godliness”

 

I think we celebrate many things that our spouse achieves or accomplishes.  Like when they get the promotion at work or receive public recognition for voluntary service at church or in the community.  Sometimes we miss celebrating what is most important and that is the effort they make to grow in godliness.   Ladies, when your husband leads your family in spiritual things you should make a BIG deal out of it.  Men, when you see your wife reading bible stories to your children at night, you should celebrate that.  When it comes to our spouse’s spiritual life we think it is a private matter between them and God and we shouldn’t say anything about.  That is not true because our relationship with God is personal, but it is not private. 

 

Let me encourage you to share what you are learning from God.  When you read the bible and something speaks to your heart, share it with your spouse.  When you hear something from a sermon that speaks to you, share it.  When you get to the point of comfortably sharing godly things with your spouse, the intimacy in your relationship is turned up tremendously.  If your spouse is not into God, then compliment the things that they do to show you they respect your commitment to God. 

 

When you catch your spouse doing something godly, compliment them.